Five a Day.


My mates a claustrophobic agoraphobic.

You cant take him anywhere!


Went to get in my car this morning only to find 3 cowboys playing poker in the back seat.
I asked what the hell they were doing in my people carrier.
One replied “sorry pardner, we thought it was a saloon”


Just written an emotional song about the rising price of electricity.
It’s an n-Power ballad.


Allied forces have unearthed a huge stash of lawnmowers in an underground bunker in Iraq.
They are believed to be Saddam Hussain’s infamous Weapons of Grass Reduction.


Some people are such technophobes. I asked my mate if he was on Twitter, he replied “I don’t follow you”


My wife says I’ve got a one track mind.



I’m having a really stressful time at the moment, and to make things worse I get back from the doctors to find I’ve got a high blood count.

I specifically told Dracula not to sample any of my ‘special cakes’ while I was at work.


Can you imagine how difficult it is being a serial killer with severe OCD?


I stabbed an intruder while out camping.

I’m being charged with wounding within tent.


I was interviewing Owen Hargreaves about his disappointing time at Manchester United. He got quite upset, pointing the finger of blame at training, surgeons & bad luck.

He really is a defensive midfielder.


Just got on the plane at Heathrow & its full of electricians going on a stag do.

I’m expecting to see sparks fly.


Just seen a huge killer fish playing guitar in the town centre.

Think its a busking shark.


+Police are charging me with hypnotizing then robbing my victims.

They’re saying they were all premeditated.


While I was in prison my brother sent me a ‘Happy Birthday’ text with an image of a cake attached.

When the prison officers checked though, it said ‘file not found’.


Keep getting caught speeding in 30mph zones.

They’re clearly not my forte.


Got tickets to see Andrew Lloyd Webbers new musical Chairs.

Eventually it was standing room only.


My mates keep telling me my girlfriends a keeper.

They’ve obviously never seen her play in midfield.




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  1. Trackback: Welcome to Bury Bob’s comedy Club! « Bury Bob's Comedy Club

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